And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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