I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize