The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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