Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
