Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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