My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
