I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize