I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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