The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
