grandma shit on top of the toilet
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
