Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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