I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
