Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize