I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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