my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
