Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
