I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
