Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
