You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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