just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
