omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
