The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize