my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
