I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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