You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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