i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
