I hate your face
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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