can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
