can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
