The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
