He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
