Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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