Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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