so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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