So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
