I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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