i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My cat gives me a boner
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
