i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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