I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
