There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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