i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
