i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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