He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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