Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
