She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
