Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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