mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
