Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
