He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
