His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
