I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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