don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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