so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
